Deacon Michael talked about trauma and what to do with it
last week, and as well as taking care of your body he suggested sharing our
traumatic experiences with others, and also that is helpful to share anything
other than that traumatic experience with others. He hit on something that
seems to be a core human need: social connection.
I expect we can all think of times with others when we felt
really connected – when we shared laughter or tears, or those important moments
in our lives. Something we might have been missing recently, during lockdown,
is the day-to-day connection with others that is important as well – both
physically and mentally. There really are strong connections between social
isolation and loneliness with cardiovascular, autoimmune, neurocognitive health
– not just our mental health.
I wonder what this magic is that makes our connections with
other humans so helpful to us? Perhaps it is about being in the here and now,
right in the present. When we are with another person, we are forced into the
present and into that moment we share together – even if it’s a quick
conversation in a queue with a stranger. Alone, we might find ourselves going
over past events, worrying about the future, and we might struggle to place
ourselves right in the present.
There are so many clichés about how great it is to live in
the present: ‘Yesterday is history, tomorrow’s a mystery. But today is a gift,
that’s why they call it the present,’ and great thinkers remind us that
‘Nothing is more precious that being in the present moment. Fully alive, fully
aware,’ (Thich Nhat Hanh). I’m not sure that abandoning the past and the future
is entirely right – we often need to process past events, make sense of them
and put them away, and we also benefit from imagining our possible futures and
planning for what might lie ahead. But sharing a moment right now with a friend
or relative, or just passing the time of day with a stranger, might give us a
gift of the present.
I suppose all that above is something we mostly know to be
true – speaking to people is good, having close relationships is healthy - but
like a lot of things, it isn’t always easy to go out and find these
connections.
I wonder how many of us would say we are always confident to
talk to other people, always happy to take that first step and make contact. I
know for me I would normally rather not! I suppose this is a mixture of lack of
confidence, a fear of rejection and a feeling of not wanting to interrupt or
intrude. It’s easy to give myself excuses to not make contact and to avoid
taking that risk. But a part of me also knows that I need social connection and
wants to just go for it – to feel the fear and do it anyway.
To be able to make that first move, I remind myself of all
the clichés and memos I have seen that remind me how important social
connection is – that a smile from a stranger really can make someone’s day, a
call from a friend can remind us that we are loved and remembered and an honest
conversation with a colleague can build stronger relationships at work. I
remind myself that the person I am going to talk to is an adult who can take
responsibility for themselves, and if I am interrupting or intruding, they can
manage this. I remind myself of all the times I’ve made the connection and it
has gone well, and of all the times someone else has connected with me, and
I’ve enjoyed it. I remind myself that I can build deep connections with people,
and I remember to be brave: “Courage starts with showing up and letting
ourselves be seen.” (Brené Brown)
Some days these reminders come easier than others – some
days no matter how much of a stern talking to I give myself, I’m not going to
be able to start a conversation. On those days, I also remember to be kind to
myself, and show myself the care and compassion I can show others. It’s ok to
not be able to do everything every day.
But on a day when I can make a connection, maybe I feel like
I can say something to a stranger, or call a friend, or start a conversation
with a colleague, I take a few deep breaths, I reassure myself that it will be
ok, and then I jump in.
So now you’ve read all this, I’d like to offer you an
invitation to have a think about yourself and how you manage your social
connections. Are you someone who can take that first step? How does it feel
when you do? Can you give yourself kindness when you can’t do it? Once you’re
in there, can you be open and vulnerable? How does it feel when you are?
Some of the things that come up for you might feel scary and
risky – you might like to remind yourself that you are not alone in feeling
like this. Remember that kindness you can so easily show to others? Be kind to
yourself.
Places that might be helpful:
Jessica Tett
Another great post. At the start of the lockdown people you passed on the street looked at you with suspicion (I expect this was because they were frightened). This was the part I found the hardest. We are social animals and it seemed we had lost the ability to be social. As it has gone on more people are smiling at each other and talking to each other while they wait in the queue to go into a shop. Striking up a conversation with the person in queue or saying hello to strangers as you pass them on the street can really brighten up your day and will most probably improve their day as well.
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